No Mere Mortal

it has been one week since urban plunge, chapter camp, and my freshman year in college. to sum up all my reflections in one entry would be nearly impossible, or at least put someone to sleep. what i intend to do every once in awhile this summer is to use facebook or xanga for more than pictures and wall posts. cuz i admit, the first thing i did when i came home was upload a massive amount of pictures taken from the last couple of weeks...and somehow that has bothered me in where i've put my priorities. i want to use this as means of reflection and encouragement from the things learned from the past year and into this summer...lesson by lesson. my prayer is that you would not think highly of me but that you'd think ever more highly of God, the one who has blessed me enough to share this with you. of course, i'm also hoping that facebook/xanga would not be the limit to the sharing of thoughts but instead, an avenue to look deeper...past the number of comments, friends, and pokes you might get in one day.

anyway, now that i'm done writing out my long disclaimer haha, on to the reason why i've titled this entry, "no mere mortal." today marks one week since i've come back from urban plunge which was a week spent in oakland and san francisco learning about poverty and justice in the inner city, ethnicity and why it is important, and then what God has to say about all that. always, with these kind of trips, i struggle with understanding my own motives for caring about the poor. questions that fill my head like: "am i just doing this so that i feel like i did something good?" or "is there any way that i can make a difference?" ultimately, you might notice, that these questions revolve around me, and i found that these aren't even the right questions that i should be asking.

a theme that keeps popping up in the things that God has been teaching me this year is simply, "sarah, life is not about you." haha ahh mann...so simple to say, but so hard to live out and to swallow. so, in the same way, even in the midst of confusion in understanding why God allows things like poverty to exist and my own uncertainties with it, somehow God is still glorified. i realize that that is what it all comes to...that in everything, God is glorified. what i gain from experiences becomes secondary and unimportant in the light of this. as i continue here, i hope you'd catch a glimpse of that truth...because here writing this will be a reminder for me as well.

during the week of the urban plunge, josh, our team leader presented the team with this quote:

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet if at all only in a nightmare.

All day long we are in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities it is with awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal." -C.S. Lewis from Weight of Glory

(totally encourage you to read that more than once, as all lewis stuff takes time to sink in)  =P

for me, there was a tendency, when giving and working with the poor, to assume a position of power and to ignore the God-imprint in the person i'm are serving. i easily fall into an unconscious mindset that "i am better than you" because i have the resources, i'm the one who's been blessed, and i'm the one who is sacrificing and giving. i guess it's what you call the pride that creeps in when doing good. but have you ever wondered why, after serving the poor, that you come out feeling like you have been blessed yourself? perhaps even more than what you think you had done for the poor? this is proof to the reality that there never existed any pedastal for those who can give. because in all giving, there is an exchange of blessings which includes the receiving part as well. i wrote in my journal a quote that someone told me awhile ago, and it went something like, "you were blessed to be a blessing." now i want to add to it: " you were blessed to be a blessing and then to be blessed all over again." so in a sense, it's a really cool continuous cycle.

i know that turning words read on a page and calling it "inspiring" (like lewis' quote) does no good when it can't be transformed into action. one of the hardest challenges for me during urban plunge was when the team visited Page Street, a place where the homeless, transgenders, and other "unwanteds" in the city came to hang-out and have dinner together. i seriousllyy could not bring myself to talk to any of them, thinking how different they were from me, and doubting my ability to genuinely love them...until lyndon, came up and talked to me. lyndon, one of the homeless youth, is the same age as me. that fact, that he was just 19 was one of the concepts that blew me away...crumbling my pride and had let me see him eye to eye. through that night chatting to him and others, playing uno and watching office space with all of us together, whether homeless or with a home, tattered clothes or american eagle, smelling of unwashed bodies or bath and body works...none of that mattered anymore in the light of how God saw all of us, that none of us were mere mortals.

so as i mentioned before, with the exchange of blessings, i was blessed with lesson of humbleness, of catching a glimpse of how God sees every person and how i can see them in the same way too. i was reminded that i needed God as much as any person i met on Page Street, that what i have materially plays no role in altering the depravity i'm still in without God's grace. and then to realize in the end that this human neediness points to the self-sufficiency and glory of God. whooo! that is definitely a big ole' lesson to wrap my mind around. can i say that i've mastered the practice of viewing everyone past stereotypes? oh boy, definitely not. but i know it's definitely something worth working towards.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are you ways my ways, says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there until they have watered the earth, making it bring forth and sprout...so shall my word that goes from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy, and be led back in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall burst into song, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall be to the LORD for a memorial, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off." -Isaiah 55:13

in the light of my own forgetfulness, let all this be one of those memorials and a memory of His goodness.

hope

have you ever teared up...just from listening to a piece of music?

has never happened to me, i mean, i've been moved by it...but not actually tear up you know? not until today when my brother told me listen to this guy, yiruma, who is absolutely amazing at the piano. when you close your eyes and just sit and listen to this, your mind cannot but wonder off to thinking about life...and it's beauty.

beauty in the midst of so much stuff in life that can totally detract from the possibility of its existence. as i sit here in my comfortable home, or when i'm in the safety of my dorm room...and read and watch about all that's going on in the world, the pain, suffering, poverty, homelessness, wars, racism...it's too devastating to take in...too devastating to take in even when i'm completely detached from it, hopelessness is what i feel.

when i look at the community around me, where alcoholism becomes the only escape from reality, where premarital sex is a norm, where grades become a priority over relationships, where there is so much apathy about what this life is really means...hopelessness is what i feel.

when i look at myself, and all the ugliness that i see in myself, my tendencies to fall into forgetfulness, selfishness, pride, and guilt...hopelessness is what i feel.

and then i listen to a piece of music like this, and i'm reminded of where this beauty originates from. i'm reminded of the God above who takes the depravities of this world and makes everything new, the living water that He promises to restore us, how he can take the dead in me, and show me how it feels to be truly alive. it's something that i know the world cannot offer. and because of this...hope is what i feel.

there is hope. wherever you're at. if you don't believe me, talk to me. i'll be more than willing to share about this hope which will not fail.

it is definitely time for an update! =)

so this week is a week of "lasts." last tuesday night rehearsal, last wednesday rehearsal, last arcadia, last field season. and i know i'm no where near done with like high school or anything, but the changes like these are already happening and i can't help but feel a little nostalgic.

and of course combined with the end of a lot of things, comes the start of those college apps. which i admit aren't that horrible unless i really make them to be. but still, sometimes all the deadlines and forms and essays can get a little annoying. just a little. =) haha so what's my point in saying all this? mm first i just felt like writing cuz i haven't written in here since forever...but mainly, what comforts me so much, is that God's right with me through all these changes, through the up and downs, and even in times of doubt.

last saturday during practice, during the run-through, i saw the most beautiful thing in the sky. behind me was this brilliant looking sunset. and in front of me, was a full rainbow. it hadn't even rained that day, but there it was, one clear rainbow stretching across the sky. all i could do was smile and smile while spinning my flag. cuz right there, was a sign of God's promise. it was as if He was saying, "sarah, remember? don't forget me, I'm watching over you, take away all your doubts, and remember." it was the most incredible feeling in the world.

the next two months will probably stretch me a lot. and i know this time of year can be stressful for a lot of us too. but remember the rainbow. don't forget his promises...cuz those simple truths never fade.

he raised his hand.

how could this one gesture mean so much? well, behind this seemingly simple movement, lies soemthing so much deeper, something that changed me and i'm sure many others at YWAM Costa Rica.

here i am, sitting at home, a couple days after arriving back to san diego, and that picture is still stuck in my head...it was at one of the park evangelism nights where dramas, testimonies, and the sharing of the gospel took place. at the end of the program, pastor jimmy asked if anyone would like to have a relationship with Jesus. and that's when i saw him raise his hand. he was a stranger that i didn't even talk to, but seeing him make the decision that night means so much. with the raise of his hand, i saw the awesome power of God, the truth behind the gospel, the impact of a genuine prayer, and the love that can turn around the heart of any human being.

this man, was one of the many who came to Christ last week. yet no matter how incredible this is, no matter how much i still can't comprehend of God's power, i still only got a glimpse. what's so mind-blowing is that, His power extends far greater than i could ever imagine. and truly truly, right now, it seems like God can't get any greater than this.

i remember writing in my journal near the end of the trip, thinking...how is it possible that every night i come back with a different story, a different insight, a new passion, a deeper knowledge, a deeper love, and a more opened mind? hooow is that possible. hmm well i guess, the only explanation is that God's really good at overcoming what we think as the impossibility. :)

through the lady who worked at the soup kitchen, a grandmother, working every day serving meals to children around the neighborhood, i saw true and genuine commitment. through Bea Flor, the woman pastor of the broken community of Las Tablas, i saw the strength in a person that only God could give. through Jose, Mariano, Jen, and all the YWAM staffers, i saw a passion for everything they did. and finally, through my awesome brothers and sisters of cec, i saw passion, boldness, sacrifices, trust, willingness, and wisdom displayed during the entire trip.

it really is amazing working and serving where God desires most. His dream is for the world to come to know Him, and i hope that, always, my dream would be the same too. with senior year just ahead, i'm so very glad to start it with everything i learned at costa rica in mind. i couldn't thank Him enough for breaking me and opening my eyes to the needs of this world.

if you're reading this, and don't know Jesus, or don't understand why a team of more than 45 people would travel to a foreign country just to serve a God...well, here's a reason. God sent his only son, a perfect human being to die just for you, despite all the sin and corruptness that exists in our lives. He loves you like you can't even understand and desires to have a relationship with you. we don't deserve it, but He looks past our sins and went through the ultimate sacrifice, just for you. i hope that you can find a friendship in Jesus too...i know my life has been forever changed because of Him.